User vs Loser

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A friend of mine presented an interesting situation he found himself facing today and asked for my advice. He and his lady friend had been seeing one another for no more than a week and he said that she wanted to move into his apartment with him…
….no. I’m a firm believer that love and time make their own rules for when lover’s love, but on average (and all details he had previously disclosed to me) this would not be the case. She was simply using him. Plain and simple.
This same friend, however, has a history of exchanging his assets for affection—meaning that he would HAPPILY trade his apartment, car or money if it meant that there would be someone to come home to. That’s just how he is, I suppose. That’s why he’s always left broke and alone. That’s why I stepped in this time.
Let me nip this in the bud, I thought. If I’m dating someone, it is certainly not for financial or social gain. I’ve never really aspired such things. When it comes to finances, I prefer to have enough to pay my bills and then save. And maybe splurge on my kids or that special someone from time to time.
Having said that, I cannot recall a time I had ever dated for money. I would rather tell a young lady that I could not see her this week due to finances than to have her pay for things. It’s just not how I operate. I’d rather seem a loser than a user, losing out on time spent with her money in play than to piggyback her checkbook into events together.
I’m a dinosaur in that aspect. The guy should pay for the dates and if she chooses to buy the man a video game on occasion, that’s all good. Its dating. There is no financial responsibility to the other. No obligations. You link up, enjoy one another’s company, and return to your homes in the end–whether together or separate. That is dating to me. Has it been successful? Well…
I have dated a variety of women from many walks of life. From other countries and cultures to All-American ladies. From lawyers and leaders to self-employed cleaners. And everything in between. Some kind and some mean. But ALL will verify the fact the I am not a gold digger but a heart searcher. My friend asked me that if the chemistry between them is good, does it matter if she’s unemployed? My answer? Yes…but not yet! Not in the beginning. They are just “dating” for now.
Opposite end, if she’s loaded and you have no chemistry whatsoever, why on Earth would you pursue? Hers is hers and mine is mine until such a time and discussion may occur and we’re moving into a joint direction. Preparing for something more long term.
My point is this: don’t use your boyfriend/girlfriend as an emotional or financial crutch….particularly so early on. Do NOT assume. If you don’t have it yourself, get it yourself. It feels so much better having your own ANYTHING than adopting someone else’s in an attempt to make your life easier.
I’ll play loser over user any day…

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16 thoughts on “User vs Loser

  1. I could not agree more and I guess that makes me a loser as well. As you’ve said, I’d rather be a loser than a user anyday. Unfortunately I’ve been in your friend’s shoes before being so desperate for someone, anyone to come home to that I allowed myself to be used, mistreated, abused even. Never again will I be that woman. The woman I’m seeing right now is willing to take it at snail’s pace with me. Fingers crossed that things will work out.

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    1. I’m so happy for you! Yes, he’s a good guy but very lonely. I believe that most of us have made a poor choice or two in the name of NOT bring alone. But I am steadfast and unwavering in what I want now so I entertain very few prospects. But if I meet someone as like minded as the woman you are dating, I think I’d be foolish to let her pass me by. With so much going on in my life right now between school, my kids and work, a snail’s pace sounds like just what I need. Lol.

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  2. Glad you stepped into help your friend out of what could have been a sticky situation. I agree with you whole heartedly. I feel as woman she should be ashamed of herself. Who does that? Have respect for yourself. And karma is a bit** Do not use anyone because it will come back to you tenfold. Your friend had to find that solitude within himself first or he will always be searching for it. Loved you post.

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    1. Thank you so much for checking out my blog, ebonysmonaesthoughts! And thank you for the comment. Yes, really hope my buddy finds it within himself to realize how truly great he is as an individual and that he doesn’t need to pay for affection.

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  3. I couldn’t agree more, I think you did the right thing warning you’re friend, unfortunately there’s people out there like that, who will just use people for their money. Great post really made me think

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  4. So, he didn’t let her move in right? Did you recommend that he talk to someone about his self-esteem issues? Love should be fluid and you shouldn’t rush to move in with anyone much less someone you’ve known about a week. I am not judging him because we all make mistakes and even though mine are not his it is apparent that there is something deeper going on with him. I once told a friend “I wish you would love you as much as I do. Then you could see how wonderful you truly are and stop being used.” She got it.

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    1. Hello Tikeetha. Yes, I think he’s beginning to come around a bit, but this has been an issue he’s struggled with ever since I’ve known him. He refuses to be alone in life. He seems to have a need to be accepted that I simply do not understand, but as his friend, I am here to encourage and help where possible. I pray he can find a way out of this type of behavior.

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      1. I heard a sermon in church where a woman said “It may not be in God’s plan for you to be with someone and marry and asked the question…are you okay with that?” A lot of people aren’t okay with it. Praying for him.

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  5. I am glad you advised against her moving in on such short acquaintance. She may not be a gold-digger (bet she is, though), but it’s too soon. Too soon for then to know if they’ll like each other when they’re broke, or sick, or depressed. Well done – you were a good friend.

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    1. Hello fellow Texan! No, I do not see her as a gold digger, but as you said—WAAAAAY too soon. She seems to be a nice person, but its the time to discover who each other is… not jump into such a commitment that large.

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